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My escapes

July 20th, 2010

So I was re-reading the first post I made, it kind of skimmed over my history with this illness.  And I mean it was a VERY abridged version, there’s so much more depth that I didn’t even get in to, but I would be at this keyboard for a week going in to all the nuances.  I did go in to depth on how an attack makes me feel, like I need to get away and get help from somebody, anybody, nobody.  My ways of coping and working through an attack really vary as to what symptoms I’m feeling, as how my attacks manifest themselves have changed over the years as well.  It was the head pressure at first, next was heart palpitations, next was a tightness in my chest that feels like a pallet of brick is weighing my chest down making it so hard to breathe.  All of it manifests and sends my brain into fight or flight mode pretty quickly.  It’s quite hard to trick myself into believing it isn’t real, that no, I’m not going to die.  So I guess if I really do (God forbid) have a heart attack or a stroke one day I’ll be sitting there trying to convince myself that I’m just psyching myself out again!

I have a few different ways I’ve been coping with my attacks and the build-up symptoms, some work almost all the time, some only work seldom.  I like to keep my mind busy when I can feel one coming on, first thing I do is watch a movie or go do something on the computer.  Laying down and relaxing really doesn’t do much but accelerate things, gives my mind time and space to think and self-analyze, which is a BIG no no for me.  I also like to hang out in the bathroom.  I know, weird, right?  It was the first place I ran to when I first started getting my attacks and ever since then there’s been some calmative effect associated with the restroom.  I’ll usually look at myself in the mirror, study my skin (which almost always is in need of a good aesthecian), extract blackheads (ew, I know), just breathe and try to put my mind back in a better place.  My boyfriend has recently introduced me to taking a walk when I get anxious, not too bad when it happens during the day but at 1am it’s hard to do.  I’ve gone out to Walgreen’s (which is 24 hour by my house) and shopped during my late night attacks.  It gets me walking and my mind thinking about something other than my attack, but it also leads to $50 tickets at the register (Ooh!  I need more shampoo, let’s get THIS ONE with the NEW SHINY LABEL!  Price?!?! Who cares?!?  New makeup?  Don’t mind if I doooo!).

I’ve been able to do without a daily therapy medicine for a lot of the time I’ve had this disorder.  I do know when I’ve met my match though and need some “better living through science”, as my boss likes to put it.  I’m beginning to think that soon, very soon, I’ll need to go back on daily therapy.  I’m giving myself a little more time to see if it was just an unusually rough patch I went through or if my disorder is morphing yet again and until I can learn to cope with this new wave of changes I need a little help.  I don’t like to ask for help but I’m not afraid to anymore.

Well, I think I’ve said enough for now.  As I type my 2 little monsters are splashing in the bath, probably making a soggy mess of my bathroom.  It all dries though, I’m not worried:)

~Amber

Posted in Panic/Anxiety Attacks | No Comments »

Introductions and what not…

July 18th, 2010

Hello world….

I’m Amber.  Nice to meet you:)

I’m 29, I’m the mother of two wonderful kids, I have a wonderful boyfriend and a loving supportive family.  I should be the picture of prosperity and happiness…. SHOULD.  The one thing the separates me from most normal 29 year olds is that I suffer from Panic/Anxiety attacks.  You know that feeling when your heart starts racing and your adrenaline is coursing through your veins like a drug?  Imagine having that feeling at random with no reason for it to be happening.  Imagine that making you so scared that your adrenaline kicks into overdrive, your breath coming shallow and ragged, you’re afraid but you don’t know of what and you don’t know why.  You say over and over in your head that this is it, you’re going to die, you fight for your life even though there is no danger whatsoever to it.  Experiencing one is about a million times worse than I can put words to, but that’s the best way I know to describe what I go through every time it happens.

I can remember when I got my very first panic attack.  I was at home in the apartment that my then boyfriend and I shared.  I was sitting at home, a day off from my job, playing SoulCaliber on my PlayStation.  I was playing some sort of story mode when the first symptom hit me.  I felt this insane pressure in my brain, no idea where it came from.  Being sort of hyper-conscious about my health it immediately sent me into a panic.  “What’s going on, am I ok?  What’s wrong with my head?”  The whole effect snowballed and I was in such a state of panic and worry when my boyfriend got home he had no idea what to do.  I eventually calmed down and the pressure subsided but didn’t completely go away.  the next few days at work were rough, I’d get scared time and again and run to the bathroom to collect myself, cry, scream, whatever I needed to do to get back to semi-functioning.  It really put a strain on my productivity and my relationship with my boss, so much so that he had me transferred 2 weeks after my issues began.  At my new store, much of the same went on, I’d be ok, the suddenly I’d have to haul off the the restroom to put myself back together again.  I started getting so out of control, I was so frightened of what could potentially be wrong with me, yet I didn’t want to see a doctor because I was scared to find out.  Eventually, one night, I freaked out so badly my boyfriend took me to the ER.  I got CAT Scans, heart scans, a whole battery of tests.  I was there from about 11pm to about 6 the next morning.  As they were debriefing me before release was the first time I had heard about panic disorder.  The very next day I made an appointment with my primary care physician, who was brand new to me at the time.  I left that day from work early, as I was exhausted for lack of sleep and I had my appointment with the doctor.

Meeting my PCP was awesome.  Ever since that day, I’ve trusted him with my health and my children’s health, as he is a general practitioner.  He placed me on meds, Zoloft that round, and had checkups with me every couple weeks for 2 months.  The Zoloft worked quite well, but a couple years down the road I was with another boyfriend (the last one couldn’t deal with my disorder well, we split) and I come to find out I’m pregnant.  I was told the Zoloft wouldn’t have an effect on my unborn child but I decided to wean off of it just in case.

After the birth of my son in June of ’05, I stayed off of the meds.  I was doing well on my own, happy and glowing in the new motherhood.  Alas, it would not last forever, the attacks started up yet again.  This time, my PCP thought we might see how Lexapro worked in my system, as the Zoloft was not responding as well as it had before.  It worked well but 9 months after the birth of my son I discovered I was pregnant with my daughter.  Off the pills again I went.

December of ’06 my daughter came into this world, again I had a period of non-medicated tranquility.  Ever since then, I’ve been on and off of continuous therapy meds, also taking Xanax as a backup when my attacks get severe.  Currently I’m on no continuous therapy, but I plan to be placed back on it once again.  Lately my attacks have been very severe, freaking out my current boyfriend at times.

What I plan to do here in this space is just vent, talk about my disorder, hopefully open up a dialogue where others with this disorder can come and talk, learn, support others with it and be supported in turn.  Sure, i’ll probably rant about other things too, but who doesn’t?

Oh, and why is this called Fragile Diamond?  Well, some days I feel so strong and powerful, like the toughest stuff on earth.  Other days, I feel like the gentlest breeze can shatter me completely.  Such is the duality of what I go through.

Cheers, comments always welcome….
~Amber

Posted in Kids, Life, Love, Panic/Anxiety Attacks, Work | 1 Comment »